I have this 13 year old foster kid who constantly surprises me - and not in a good way. From dating older boys to being involved in a fire where she lied to the police, ended up in court and was placed on probation. It is amazing how making stupid decisions as parents can permanently screw up a kid’s life.
There is too much to even say.
I got my first foster kid a few days ago. The social worker dropped her off and I haven’t heard a peep from him since. Luckily her crisis counselor at school (who also happens to be hot) filled me in. This kid has suicidal tendencies so I have to be on guard. Today I took the time to check out her myspace website some more and realized she has lied about her age, her friends leave comments with curse words and she talks about her female camp counselor like she was in love with her. I mean, it reminds me of my early lesbian tendencies but with this kid, she was just happy to have a positive role model and so she latched on and idolized the woman. She is doing the same with the school ms. hot crisis counsellor.
My life has changed - a few doors have closed and a some more opened up. And I ran into Candace in Montreal. I know this woman from church in Jamaica and I am so happy I wasn’t all lovey dovey with Avika at the time. I was so comfortable in this place and happy to be away from the stresses of home, that as Avika whispered in my ear with her heavy french accent, we made out in the presence of cops while we stood under the street lamps. We had just lied to them too - we claimed to not have seen who smashed a bottle in the street. Montreal was good, Avika was hot and I cried when I had to leave her.
Driving down the street, an image enters my head - her beautiful full lips are sweetly exploring mine again. And my heart stops to contemplate the heartstoppingabilty that only she possesses.
I see her struggle with who she thinks she may be - what seems so apparent to me when we are together is still something that she fears. It’s been 3 weeks and 2 days but she has made huge strides from the very beginning. Watching her makes me appreciate Angie even more because she put up with my uncertainties before I knew what the deal was with my sexuality. It also makes me more patient and understanding about the new girlfriend (who still needs a blog name). I don’t get offended or take it personally as she voices her fears or works through her issues out loud.
How can she even think she is straight when she was moaning my name the first night we met, talking food porn to me on the dancefloor, whispering in my ear all night long and a few days later threatening to take me on various common household furniture and in random places? For now she is whoever she defines herself as, and it isn’t as “straight”.
My last ex (the cop) asked if I am ok with it. Of course I am. I don’t need definitions really. I am getting what I need from her. A bold kind of love that I have only felt with 1 other.
But I cannot lie that that little uncertainty isn’t somewhat unnerving. I have decided not to live in fear though. That would just block all the good vibes coming my way.
I have become a person I don’t really recognize. My brother and I were looking at our primary and high school pictures last night. I was such a dorky, ugly kid. Skinny, big forehead, buck teeth, bad skin on my legs at times, big belly all the time - definition of a true wallflower.
Now people tell me I light up a room, they love how I dress (thanks Stacy and Clinton) and people notice me and are actually drawn to me. It isn’t who I see myself as and it takes some getting use to.
Hearing that the married girl from India was taken with me was kinda funny too. My friend, T, swears I am going around turning straight girls. She told the current gf, N (previously of the straight variety until she met me). N was like, ” you better tell that bitch to step off from my girl!”. That’s me paraphrasing.
I should just arrange a mud wrestling match between them. Then my life would be fulfilled. Joking.
But for real, I am beginning to accept the power that a confident person wields.